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  • Kerri Cummings

Why Love is Totally Overrated (sort of)

How many of you have pined for a soul mate? Someone who just meets all of your needs. Someone whom you love so deeply that you feel perpetually fulfilled? Most of us have at least once in our lives longed to find our one true love. I have too. I never really dreamed of getting married. I never thumbed through wedding magazines looking at bridal gowns--until I had to actually find one for my own wedding. It's not that I don't respect marriage or judge people who want the picket fence; it's just that I never made that my focal point. I really always just wanted to find the one person I can be myself with.

After going through quite a lot in the recent past, I've come to the tentative conclusion that this whole LOVE thing is overrated.

I know I sound very cynical and bitter but just hang with me for a sec. Ok? Don't get me wrong: finding that true love can feel like finally finding yourself. It can be like finding your mirror. It feels so...right. But guess what? That love can also fly away as fast as it flew in. Yep. And you want to know why? Because the true love that you share with another person is housed inside of two HUMAN BEINGS. That's right. True love does exist, but in the case of romantic love, this true love exists within the two people experiencing it. And those two people are, well, only human. *sigh*

Sometimes you get slapped in the face with a love that is so incredible, so strong, so right, that you simply cannot handle it. And alas, you or your partner pushes it away faster than they can say “soulmate”. I'm not saying it's right. It's totally ego-based, fear-based and foolish, but it happens my dear love-seeking friends, it happens.

So, I have decided that authentic true love (as opposed to just true love between two people) can and should only be found inside one single person: yourself. When you begin to realize that true love already resides inside you, when you start to see that you have already found true love, then there's no risk that the other person is going to become afraid of it, or change their mind and take it away. That kind of true love is wobbly and tentative. That kind of true love is conditional.

So how do you find that true true love? I have some ideas I'd like to share with you:

1. Spend time alone. A lot of alone time. Stop being afraid of loneliness. Sometimes we try to distract ourselves with other people just avoid loneliness. Sometimes we make huge compromises because we just don’t want to be alone. Try being alone and enjoying your own company for a while. I bet if you give yourself enough time, you and yourself will really start to like each other. Who knows? Maybe you’ll find your new best friend.

2. Let go of all relationships that don't work for you. But do so with love. I don’t mean go around dissing everyone you know. Don’t be cruel. Just mentally let go of your attachments to people who don’t uplift you. Sometimes we stick around friendships or even romantic relationships because, well, it’s what we’ve always done. “I’ve been friends with her since 8th grade.” So what? Life is too short to hang onto relationships that have fizzled. I believe we have some relationships that serve us for certain times in our life. And then, you change, you grow, and your needs evolve. It’s ok to accept that and let go.

3. Find your freakin passion! This one is pretty clear: if you can be lucky enough to find your calling in this life, you will automatically let go of the pursuit of happiness in other people. You automatically find that true love inside yourself. Doing what you love makes your heart flourish. In fact, I think you can only find your true passion when you spend time alone, get to know yourself, and find that love inside. Then your calling becomes obvious.

4. Meditate! I think soon enough we will make a new game out of this one, and the game will be called: "Find the word meditate in all of Kerri's blog articles." But seriously, meditating will help you find that place inside your heart where YOU reside. Meditation allows you to listen for your inner voice, your true wisdom. If you cultivate a regular meditation practice, you will soon begin to cut out the boo-man in your head and only hear your own truth. And it only takes 10-20 minutes a day.

As you might have noticed, being alone is a major theme here. I really think we have become too distracted with technology, television, work, shopping, and—quite frankly—other people. We spend too much time focusing on everyone else, and focusing on our relationships and whether they are working out or not. Being alone is underrated. Looking for love in others is overrated. I'm actually excellent at being alone. I'm 100% introverted. I'm a writer. I'm a huge thinker. Even so, I do not want to spend the rest of my mindful life not being able to share it with a special someone. It just seems more fun that way. So doing some of these things hasn’t been easy for me. But they are essential to realizing that authentic true love is already inside of us. You just have to stop long enough to see it. God bless, may the universe give you a kind of self-love you are actually looking for.

What do you think about finding love? I’d love to hear your comments and start a fruitful, mindful discussion on the subject! Post your comments and questions!

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